New Years Resolutions

This year is all about trying new things, taking action, and following through…

1. Adopt healthy habits (exercise, eat healthy, cook my own meals). Follow the 80/20 plan.
2. Take more photographs, regardless of how I look.
3. Be open and honest with everyone in my life.
4. Clean and organize my things.
5. Move by the end of the year (preferably to Cali).
6. Say yes to new experiences… Try at least one new adventure every week that I’ve never done before.
7. Volunteer 150 hours by the end of the year.
8. Keep up with blog.
9. Start book. Try to finish.
10. Try guitar, again
11. Complete at least 3 MOOCs by the end of the year.
12. Brush up on French.
13. Practice yoga and/or pilates on a regular basis
14. Develop new skill (ideas: cooking, photography…)
15. Laugh as much as possible.
16. 30 minutes of meditation, 30 minutes of exercise, 30 minutes of reading/writing, and 30 minutes of brain training every day.
17. Stop letting fear control me.
18. Forgive myself and others

Being Honest with Myself

Today was a day of realization for me. I spent a couple of hours at a coffee shop, having an intense and honest conversation with the one person who has known me the longest in my life (aside from family – but not by much). I think I’ve been in denial about a few things that have been spiraling out of control for a while now. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself say something out loud for you to get a see what you didn’t before. And, I’m one who tends to keep things bottled up, because if no one knows, then, you can go long periods of time without acknowledging it.

I believe that I need to experience the things that I’m facing right now and these emotions. It almost gives me a rush to be feeling things that were inaccessible to me for so long. I felt like my “On” switch was broken and I finally repaired it. These emotions feel new again, but in a way that challenges me, instead of shutting me down. I’m very confused as to what to do going forward, but I know now all that’s important is that I take responsibility from now on… for myself, my actions, my feelings, my future. I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness, but I can help. That’s always been in my nature.

I guess I’m realizing I’ve always had something to throw myself into: school for the majority of my life (I even managed to drag it out a couple of extra years), movies, books, friends, etc., to avoid dealing with the serious issues in my life and I can admit it’s stunted my development to a degree. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know or don’t remember how to deal with difficult issues, but I know it’s in here somewhere. Here I am: 28, living with my dad, no successful relationships to date (I probably couldn’t even define a successful relationship if you asked me), no career to speak of, a virtual zombie before a couple of months ago, and drowning in distraction.

I can use all the excuses I want – the most valid being chronic pain and the head injury, but I’ve come to a point in my life where it’s not good enough any more. This struggling along isn’t good enough for me any more. I want more. No more wasting time. No more dancing around issues. Sometimes what’s best for you isn’t what you want. If you love someone, you should love them enough to be honest with them. And, ultimately, the main aim of this blog is to work on being honest and open with people. The truth is always more important than keeping the peace.

Self-Home-Improvement

Everyday, you are building yourself. Every thought, word, and action is a brick in the walls. Sometimes in life, you come to a point when you realize you’ve made a mistake; one of the bricks isn’t strong enough to hold the others, so you have to tear it down and start rebuilding before it all comes crashing down.

Today’s assignment is about what was on my mind when I decided to start a blog. When I first started this blog in September 2013, I was at a very different place than I am now. I was just getting off of antidepressants, a little all over the place, and emotional, but wanted to get back to writing. As they say, ‘the darkest hour is just before the dawn.’ I repurposed this blog on January 1, 2014 to reflect on the change that I’m trying to bring into reality in my life. I realized that I had made one too many mistakes and I was starting to fall apart. I had to tear down and rebuild, starting with my attitude. Aside from making positive changes and working on my writing, I also wanted to work on feeling more comfortable with being open and honest about what I’m going through, not worrying about what other people think, and connecting with other people going through similar things.

Introducing…

I am someone who:

– loves writing, Pilates and yoga, knitting, driving with no particular destination, music, reading, movies (especially the horror genre), but who has a hard time following through.

– is constantly plagued by wanderlust and whose dream job involves traveling the world and writing, but, ironically, I think I’d hate to be a travel writer (it’s usually so superficial).

– went through 7 majors in college… English, Journalism, Business, Integrative Arts (Music Business), Media Studies, Anthropology, and Global Affairs.

– once had 19 piercings and dated a guy that wore guyliner (but that’s another story).

– struggles with a tremendous lack of self-confidence and is learning to not hate herself, because she isn’t where she thinks she should be at this point in her life and is far from the standard of beauty perpetuated by the American media.

– is more interested in improving herself than finding a new man, which I think means I’m growing up.
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I am participating in the Zero to Hero Blogger Challenge, so I’ll be writing from prompts on occasion. Today is the first day of the challenge, so the prompt is write and publish a “who I am and why I’m here” post.

First, I want to mention that I am excited to connect with new people through my blog, so if you have anything to say to me at all, whether it’s encouraging, hate (as long as you’re prepared to engage in a conversation about whatever it is you’re hating), a grammar correction, a joke, something you want me to check out, or just a hello, please leave a comment or contact me. I’ll reply.

Here goes… I’m a 28-year-old female who has a B.A. in Global Affairs and a concentration in Sub-Saharan Africa. I am currently not working. I am a chronic pain sufferer and was diagnosed with a mild traumatic brain injury after a really bad car accident almost six years ago (but I don’t plan on complaining about it frequently, if that’s what you’re worried about). I’ve struggled with depression on-and-off over the past eight years and have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I spent the years following the accident heavily medicated and being told by medical health professionals how these things would limit me and how to deal with it. When you’re constantly focused on limitations long enough, you suddenly find yourself defined by these things. I finally got to a point where I couldn’t stand to spend another day letting that happen, so I’m trying to get my life together. I’ve lived in Northern Virginia my entire life (aside from 2 years at Penn State University, before I transferred) and I absolutely hate it. The only tolerable time of year here is autumn because the leaves are beautiful. The winters amplify my pain. I have plans to move to California at the end of summer.

My blog will be focused on (but definitely not limited to) a challenge that I came up with my friend, Andrea, after we grew bored with our lives in Northern Virginia: try at least one new experience every week. I will also talk about other things like chronic pain, getting my life together after letting it fall to pieces over the past 6 years, depression, getting healthy, setting new goals, adopting a more positive attitude, traveling, music, and more.

I am blogging, instead of keeping a personal journal, because, as I learned in my last failed relationship, I have a difficult time communicating with people, especially after the accident. At the time, I grew apart from my best friends, because I felt incapable of expressing what I was going through to them. Instead, I withdrew into myself and alienated everyone. Fortunately, writing has always been the best way for me to express myself. I think that the things I will express here will surprise people about me and you’ll probably never hear me say them outloud. Also, I have about 20 journals sitting around my room, mostly blank, that I just never followed through with over the years, so I’m hoping the change in medium will encourage me to write more. In fact, I hope to get started on a novel soon, so I can definitely use the writing practice. Since my memory is a little faulty, I think it will be good for me to keep a record of things going on, as well.

Some great writing pointers for just starting out…

If I blog successfully throughout 2014, I hope to improve my writing skills, build my confidence as a writer, connect with people going through similar things, improve communication with other people, and get feedback. I hope you’ll follow my journey.

If you want more info on the Zero to Hero Blogger Challege, go here: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/zero-to-hero/

What I’m listening to as I press “Publish”: “Out of the Blue” by Prides. I can’t get over this song. Give it a listen: https://soundcloud.com/pridesband/out-of-the-blue

New Adventure #1: Atlantic City Sunrise

New Adventure: seeing the sunrise somewhere I never have before

Went to Atlantic City to see the first sunrise over the Atlantic of 2014. It was a pretty crazy night… We made it there on New Year’s Eve in record time, because I was driving and we had the last reservation at The Rainforest Cafe. If you know me, you know there was no way I was missing that.

How fast I was going… haha

We had a quiet (for being in a jungle, I’m assuming) dinner at Rainforest Cafe and drinks at The Caesar Pier restaurants (no cover!). My drink had red licorice at the bottom and I got excited… I’m a sucker for a gimmick.

The Twizzle

We decided to play some slots at the Caesar’s Casino and experienced some prime people watching, which Mona loved. Then, we tried to find a place to rest until morning, because the room rate was $799. If I have an internal debate over paying $4 for the crappy muffins in your “Italian Cafe,” there’s no way you’re getting $799 out of me.

While getting a late-night snack, Mona and I encountered the funniest, most offense group of guys. I don’t get offended easily, so if I think it was offensive, I think it’s safe to say it was pretty bad. I won’t repeat anything they said, but one of them said something that literally made me do a spit-take all over his friend. Mona was not amused as I was. I found it hilarious for the most part, especially since it was after 3 AM and I had already changed into a sweatshirt, yoga pants, and f’Uggs. And, if you know me, you know those boots make me so hot, temperature-wise that is.

While wandering around at 6 AM, we discovered the awesomeness that is the Bally’s Wild West Casino. It’s a caricature of the Wild West in the cheesiest, most amazing fashion.

This is in the lobby of the Bally’s Wild West Casino…

I didn’t get a wink of sleep, but Ellen managed to get 5 and a half hours in the freezing car, and Mona snoozed for like 30 minutes, before we got chased off by someone who had told us we weren’t supposed to be there.

After what felt like the longest (but also awesome) night ever, we went out to the beach to catch the 7:18 AM sunrise on 1/1/2014 and it was beautiful. I tried to ignore the fact that there was part of dead octopus on the beach and that I was in New Jersey (jk!). I’m glad I got to spend it with two of my besties (though I missed Andrea, who’s livin’ it up in Bolivia right now – so there was no fangirling).

Here’s that sunrise, coming up over the clouds

I wish you all the best 2014 possible!

If you just can’t get enough, you can read more about it on my last post: https://themagzee.wordpress.com/2014/01/01/nj-falls-into-the-atlantic/

NJ Falls into the Atlantic…

As I sit here at 5 AM, waiting for sunrise, with one friend passed out in the backseat of her car that’s parked in the Caesar’s Atlantic City Hotel and Casino parking garage (because, as we found out, rooms are $799 tonight) and another dozing in the chair next to me, I can’t help but think about how I got here. In this abandoned corner of Caesar’s Casino, Natalie Merchant’s “Wonder” is the unfortunate soundtrack to my thoughts. Our goal is to see the sun rise somewhere we never have before. So, we decided to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic for the first time of 2014 in Atlantic City.

I’ve seen the sun rise in Paris, the Shenandoah mountains, Connecticut, California, New York City, all over Virginia, Penn State, and more places than I can remember, but this is probably the most significant sunrise for me (and I’m in New Jersey, of all places). I’m finally feeling a shift in my heart. All I’ve hoped and prayed for after struggling with depression for eight years is a change in perspective and attitude. It’s something so small, but so seemingly impossible for someone with depression. But, I’m feeling it and the most exciting part for me is that I know that I’m doing it. I’m finally learning from the mistakes I’ve made in the past few years and from letting five years slip away from me because of chronic pain and depression.

I can’t change much about the pain I deal with every day, but I can stop it from stealing away the parts of me that make me who I am. I can feel myself emerging the person I used to be, a little more every day. The person who cared most about her family, friends, helping people, and seeing the world. The person who would laugh so hard my throat would hurt. I think I’ve laughed harder and with more heart in the past month than I have in the past five years. The double-edged sword of antidepressants is that they may make the lows more bearable, but they make the highs dull. Being numb to everything to avoid the negative spectrum of emotions robs you of the best feelings. That’s the effect they had on me. I guess I see now that when my friends told me a few years ago that I changed, they were right. And, if it were back then, I would be mad about it and I would argue I couldn’t help it. But, now, I just feel acceptance. Things unfold the way they do and I believe there is reason behind it.

2013 was an unfortunate, but necessary year for me. I went through a lot, but more importantly, like I said, I actually learned from it. I decided to end a significant relationship, and I’m glad that I did, because I came out of it broken. I don’t know who I’d be today if I had remained in that relationship. He was manipulative and wore down what little self-confidence I had over the course of our 1.5-ish year relationship. And, after it was over, I had to hold my ground and stand up for myself repeatedly, because he didn’t respect my demands that it needed to end. It finally did, though. While I would rather have avoided the heartbreak altogether, I can appreciate that it happened and that it was important. I literally had to build myself back up, one brick at a time. Most days, I backtracked and self-sabotaged, but it eventually made my foundation stronger. I am more realistic now about my expectations of myself and others.

The main theme of my 2013 was fear… crippling fear that held me back from so many things. Fear disguised as what doctors told me was “anxiety.” I never associated anxiety with fear in my mind, because I didn’t have a reference point for anxiety, so it seemed to be something separate. I never really understood it. I feel like I would have handled things differently if someone had told me, “Hey, you’re just scared!” It wasn’t until I finally made that simple and, frankly, obvious connection that they were one in the same that anxiety made sense to me. I realized that I just needed to identify what I was scared of.

My goal for the new year is to embrace the fear, as terrifying as that sounds. Forcing yourself outside your comfort zone is a sure way of getting to know yourself and seeing what you’re capable of. That’s why I am challenging myself to say “yes” to at least one thing I’ve never done before every week (which is what I will write about under “new adventures”). Seeing the sun rise in Atlantic City definitely falls under that category.

Here’s that sunrise. 2014 is going to be my best year, yet.

P.S. If anyone knows where the title of the post is from, without a Google search, you’re awesome.