Today was a day of realization for me. I spent a couple of hours at a coffee shop, having an intense and honest conversation with the one person who has known me the longest in my life (aside from family – but not by much). I think I’ve been in denial about a few things that have been spiraling out of control for a while now. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself say something out loud for you to get a see what you didn’t before. And, I’m one who tends to keep things bottled up, because if no one knows, then, you can go long periods of time without acknowledging it.
I believe that I need to experience the things that I’m facing right now and these emotions. It almost gives me a rush to be feeling things that were inaccessible to me for so long. I felt like my “On” switch was broken and I finally repaired it. These emotions feel new again, but in a way that challenges me, instead of shutting me down. I’m very confused as to what to do going forward, but I know now all that’s important is that I take responsibility from now on… for myself, my actions, my feelings, my future. I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness, but I can help. That’s always been in my nature.
I guess I’m realizing I’ve always had something to throw myself into: school for the majority of my life (I even managed to drag it out a couple of extra years), movies, books, friends, etc., to avoid dealing with the serious issues in my life and I can admit it’s stunted my development to a degree. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know or don’t remember how to deal with difficult issues, but I know it’s in here somewhere. Here I am: 28, living with my dad, no successful relationships to date (I probably couldn’t even define a successful relationship if you asked me), no career to speak of, a virtual zombie before a couple of months ago, and drowning in distraction.
I can use all the excuses I want – the most valid being chronic pain and the head injury, but I’ve come to a point in my life where it’s not good enough any more. This struggling along isn’t good enough for me any more. I want more. No more wasting time. No more dancing around issues. Sometimes what’s best for you isn’t what you want. If you love someone, you should love them enough to be honest with them. And, ultimately, the main aim of this blog is to work on being honest and open with people. The truth is always more important than keeping the peace.