Being Honest with Myself

Today was a day of realization for me. I spent a couple of hours at a coffee shop, having an intense and honest conversation with the one person who has known me the longest in my life (aside from family – but not by much). I think I’ve been in denial about a few things that have been spiraling out of control for a while now. Sometimes you just need to hear yourself say something out loud for you to get a see what you didn’t before. And, I’m one who tends to keep things bottled up, because if no one knows, then, you can go long periods of time without acknowledging it.

I believe that I need to experience the things that I’m facing right now and these emotions. It almost gives me a rush to be feeling things that were inaccessible to me for so long. I felt like my “On” switch was broken and I finally repaired it. These emotions feel new again, but in a way that challenges me, instead of shutting me down. I’m very confused as to what to do going forward, but I know now all that’s important is that I take responsibility from now on… for myself, my actions, my feelings, my future. I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness, but I can help. That’s always been in my nature.

I guess I’m realizing I’ve always had something to throw myself into: school for the majority of my life (I even managed to drag it out a couple of extra years), movies, books, friends, etc., to avoid dealing with the serious issues in my life and I can admit it’s stunted my development to a degree. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know or don’t remember how to deal with difficult issues, but I know it’s in here somewhere. Here I am: 28, living with my dad, no successful relationships to date (I probably couldn’t even define a successful relationship if you asked me), no career to speak of, a virtual zombie before a couple of months ago, and drowning in distraction.

I can use all the excuses I want – the most valid being chronic pain and the head injury, but I’ve come to a point in my life where it’s not good enough any more. This struggling along isn’t good enough for me any more. I want more. No more wasting time. No more dancing around issues. Sometimes what’s best for you isn’t what you want. If you love someone, you should love them enough to be honest with them. And, ultimately, the main aim of this blog is to work on being honest and open with people. The truth is always more important than keeping the peace.

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3 thoughts on “Being Honest with Myself

  1. As I know all toooooo well chronic pain steals from us. It is difficult to live with. Sounds like you are on a great path now. Take care of you and your health

  2. “Sometimes what’s best for you isn’t what you want”
    That is probably the truest statement I’ve heard in a while. I’m really glad I found your blog – I’ve only recently come to realize that a commitment to honesty (with yourself, with others) is hard and time-consuming work. I admire your truth and your bravery – because, though I believe you’re on a path that’s going to take you to some really breathtaking moments and places, I suspect that it’ll be a really trying process. I wish you all the best.

    -Valentine
    Flux: Encountering Adulthood
    http://www.fluxforum.com

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