I haven’t given these memories the time that they deserve…

How does one get over things? I’ve spent the last few hours, wide awake, listening to Of Monsters and Men, realizing that the regrets I thought I had are more complicated than I thought… Then, again, I haven’t done much thinking about them. I haven’t given these memories the time that they deserve. It’s human nature to avoid pain, so I have literally just buried them for years. I feel like, at 28, I’m too young to have all this baggage and to be so familiar with the feeling of spiraling out of control.

I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience when I think back to these things, because it doesn’t seem like it was my life. It feels like I’m watching the home movies of someone else, as I watch her fall to pieces, lose control, and end up very alone.

And, yet, it feels good to feel for once. I’m reveling in the experience of actually feeling something, even if it is regret, guilt, longing and pain. I feel like I laid down in an empty grave and slowly shoveled the dirt over myself during the last 8 years and now, I’m trying to claw my way out. I never thought I’d relish these most suffocating emotions. I feel like curling up into a ball and wallowing in them. I have to admit that I’ve handled some things in my life very poorly.

Growing up, I thought I had it all together. I was a great student, did my extra curricular activities, but being a good kid does not translate to being a good adult. I have failed miserably a few times. It haunts me, so instead of dealing, I just buried it all so deep. I think dealing with these regrets would help me move forward, but honestly, I don’t know how.
“I spend my whole night dancing with my own shadow…” – Slow and Steady by Of Monsters and Men


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