Anxiety is the most pointless state of mind… It consumes my entire body, physically and mentally, preventing me from making sense of anything. I become unable to think clearly enough to make decisions that could improve the situation. That is where I find myself tonight.
Sometimes, the anxiety is so thick that I couldn’t really discern what is causing it. When I try to figure it out, I end up coming up with a million reasons to be anxious, which makes me even more anxious. It’s a frustrating contradiction and self-fulfilling prophecy: a disabling feeling that you’ll never succeed. And, so, with anxiety choking you, you never will.
I never used to have anxiety before the head injury. I would get nervous and worry, like any other person, but anxiety is a different beast. Distraction just doesn’t seem like a good enough response to me. It just makes me feel more helpless.
The anxiety I feel is the summation of all my everyday fears and worries, amplified, appearing to be imminent. And, regardless of how well I know that they aren’t actually going to manifest all at once, it’s futile. It feels like things will never be OK again, because there’s no way I’ll sort it all out. It feels like drowning.